the human condition

I know that I am a picky person when it comes to mate selection and I don't mean the casuals. I'm directing this towards the more lasting kind. Frankly, I don't have a track record of what I would call relationships and I suppose I can come up with some theories as to why this is so. But before I do... Growing up, I had many encounters with girls that I actually liked, but I was never able to adequately handle them. What I mean is that, I didn't really say or do the right things that would lead to favorable results, such as coitus, a lasting relationship, or steady intercourse. I was always good at giving advice to friends but could never apply any to myself. A lack of confidence or ignorance on my part may be to blame, but nevertheless it was due to my shortcomings. Reflecting back now, I could have done things so many different ways. A little more experience and a bit of apathy could've seriously changed my game. The first girl I was able to lower my defenses to, well lets just say it wasn't functional. But I held on like a fool and it didn't really end all that well. For awhile after, every encounter with a girl was pretty much how anyone would predict. Heartbroken and angry, what is a guy to do. We put up a fascade to not appear weak, and rightfully so. Its that very wall that women like and want to strip down, that's their fun. Anyway, you eventually get over it. You move on and you meet the next girl that'll emp your shields.

But for me, they are few and far between. Its too easy to approach a random girl at a social event and its 'cause I don't give a crap, but if I fall for a friend or someone I care about, which typically is the case, I don't know what to do. I can't apply that same logic as in the random girl scenario, so my confidence generally goes out the window. There is also no middle ground for me, I either care about you or I don't. Its one of the few things about me that is so black and white. The times I told myself to not be a bitch and just go for it... well it didn't turn out favorably. An operant conditioning principle known as punishment would tell you why I've gotten to this state.

Now, I don't expect everyone to relate to what I'm going through. And its not something a one night stand could cure. I've tried that, and even though I wrote an entry advocating that its a worthwhile endeavor, there comes a point when it isn't all that fulfilling.

title quote, The All-American Rejects, Move Along (2005)