the human condition

Click HERE to read the first part of this story if you haven't.

The pacific sun is starting to set and the sounds of the birds are finally subsiding. The cool Hawaiian breeze makes its way into my living room and nightfall becomes apparent... but the girl is still here.

My prior attempts to end this... situation, has failed and I decided to just accept her company. My thoughts moved from "get this bitch out" to "let's see how far this will go." Intrigue flooded my mind, absent now the thought of escape. I shut off the tv, having just finished a movie. The selection was a hard choice... I usually default to a comedy, but she wanted to watch the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. As if she needed inspiration on how to butcher me later.

We compromise... Zombieland.

We didn't talk much during the movie. But then again, I'm not used to spending this much time with a girl the day after. She pressed up against me as the movie started, and as if my mind did not control my body, I opened my arms and she leaned on me.

"Are you hungry yet?" She asks looking up at me and for the first time, at least to my recollection, I realize her magnetic brown eyes. Knowing that she probably heard my stomach grumble throughout the movie, I decide to just agree with her. "Perfect," she exclaims. I wish her enthusiasm would rub off on me. Meal selection was easier than picking a movie. We both love pho, so I knew exactly where to take her.

We never made it there.

As I go to my room to recover my wallet and her clothes, a new thought enters my head, "Am I starting to like this girl?"

I hear the sound of a cell phone ring and she quickly answers. She walks out to my lanai but I can still clearly hear her from my room...

"Hello?"
"No, I'm at a friend's house."
"Maybe later, I'm kinda busy right now."
"No baby, I can't tonight."
[Long Pause]
"Don't come here."
"I'll just call you later, bye."

"Fuck," I thought. "Dont come here?"
"How the hell would the person know where 'here' is?"

My friends would argue that I shouldn't give a damn if I'm the other guy, as long as I'm the one getting some. However, lots of complicated thoughts swirl in my brain as I slowly make my way back to her.

Find out how it all went down, click HERE
title quote, Anberlin

I woke up with a stranger's breath on my face. The smell of alcohol still rich. The taste of cigarettes lingering. Who is this girl? I think.

She wakes. She stirs loudly, grunting as she pulls herself up, making no effort to cover her naked body. She stumbles to my bathroom and to my surprise turns on my shower. She yells "I'm hungry," before she shuts the door. I lay confused, wondering if I knew this person, but I know I don't. Reluctant to leave a stranger at my home alone, I decide to make a simple breakfast. I don't make much effort to create a nice meal, but I think any effort is too much. As I place the plates on my counter, I hear my shower turn off. She opens the door and walks towards me, my towel wrapped around her. Not recognizing the person before me causes some concern, but her smile at the meager meal I've prepared lessens the anxiety. The dialogue we exchange is common. As she talks, I repeat exit strategies in my head overlapped with failed attempts to recall memories from the previous night.

Never mix soju and whisky, I don't even know what occasion would promote the mixture of such opposing beverages. However, the evidence of binging becomes irrefutable as I recover empty bottles scattered around my living space. She does nothing to help clean or recollect. My opinion of her is not improving.

To end the silence, I explain I have some errands to run. She doesn't get the hint. "I see you have a coffee maker for show, pick up some ground on the way back," she replies. "Is this girl serious?" I thought. "So what if I don't have coffee for its maker."

Driving away I make up errands in my head. I return some time later hoping nothing is missing, other than her. Entering my place, the smell of shin ramen infiltrates my nose. She greets me in my newly bought Jeremy Lin jersey, takes the coffee ground and makes use of the neglected machine. She instructs me to sit explaining my food is almost ready.

As if the unexpected meal wasn't enough, my place is tidy. My laundry running, bed made. "Who is this girl?" I ask myself again. I consider concealing a weapon for defense, movies like the American Psycho and Silence of the Lambs runs through my mind.

In an attempt to deter premature death, I ask her if she has any plans for today. But as the words left my lips I realized she might misunderstand my intention. Which, she did. "Nothing, what did you have in mind?" she enthusiastically responds.

"Fuck."

Click HERE for part 2
title quote, Anberlin

Men are either praised or ridiculed for displaying, what women claim, is our feminine side. Our feminine side is suppose to be sensitive, sympathetic, caring, unselfish, gentle, and a whole host of characteristics and attributes that are traditionally ascribed to women. Conveying this side in moderation is generally appreciated by the opposite sex. To guys, its mostly just called "being a bitch."

One must be wary when portraying these attributes as it isn't always welcomed, to a guy or a girl. It takes the right amount of "getting to know" and also a good amount of context analysis before shedding tears, sharing insecurities, and/or "being a bitch." Most people tend to be pretty reserve when first meeting someone. They don't burden others with things like family illnesses, debts, or heartbreak. That all takes time. Similarly, most men won't show their feminine side, if ever mind you, until a proper break-in period. Though the concept of being feminine is not appealing to men or amongst men, it is worthwhile to express the above characteristics. You just can't let it define you. Instead, let it be a part of who you are. There's a difference.

Women mate with masculine guys. Not dudes with threaded eyebrows, and squeaky voices. They like men with confidence, boldness, and strength. Not uneasiness, cowardice, and mental lethargy. Like men having a feminine side, women should have a masculine side. And I don't mean armpit hair and curly pubes. I'm talking about the personality traits that are considered to be manly. Much like how women expect us to be understanding and thoughtful, we expect women to be decisive and confident.

Similar to the need to know both sides of a story before passing a judgement, men should take advantage of both sides to the spectrum. However, calling it our feminine side is a bit ridiculous. People like to label things, I get it. But it is neither necessary to associate characteristics like being understanding and caring to women nor unite traits such as confidence and decisiveness to men. It is beneficial for both sexes to portray all of the discussed attributes, so lets stop making that distinction.

Albert Einstein once said, "When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity." And although this entry isn't really about relativity, we all know how fast time can pass when we are with a person we like. Us guys will go through great lengths to impress a girl we sincerely have feelings for. Some acts may be disastrous, while some favorable. Others are laughable, and a few are romantic. But no matter the method, we all have one intent, to win the girl's favor.

But here's the caveat... "men are incapable of having a beautiful thought about a woman, that isn't followed directly by a disgusting thought about that very same woman."* Evolution and the "left hand just doesn't cut it" theory might provide some insight. It also doesn't help that our genitalia protrude out of our bodies and is as sensitive as a freshly open wound. Also, beyond just physical sensitivity, mentally, we are just as vulnerable. And its because we are wired to want to procreate, we just happened to have found a loophole in the system... ie. birth control, which definitely helps with the whole population crisis, amongst other things, and it also promotes having the best experience while limiting the worries of animating something you'll regret.

What I'm getting at is that we often get things mixed up. We meet a girl we like and instead of focusing on that, we shift our thoughts to sex. We may think something diametrically opposed at first but soon after we'll think about positioning. Its futile to fight it and I say its unnecessary to do so. Its the underlying motivating factor, other than perhaps love, guilt or pity, to pretty much do anything nice for a girl. Men can deny it all they want, but offer sex to a dude who is courting you and 9 out of 10 times they'll agree. Of course I am describing it a bit vulgar, the whole courting process I mean. There are plenty of romantic and delicate ways to approach this, but I prefer to be blunt. I'm not saying that the only thing men think about is sex, I'm saying that the only thing that motivates men is sex, in the context of courting.  

*quote: Louie, Season 2, (Episode 8, 6m50s)

I know that I am a picky person when it comes to mate selection and I don't mean the casuals. I'm directing this towards the more lasting kind. Frankly, I don't have a track record of what I would call relationships and I suppose I can come up with some theories as to why this is so. But before I do... Growing up, I had many encounters with girls that I actually liked, but I was never able to adequately handle them. What I mean is that, I didn't really say or do the right things that would lead to favorable results, such as coitus, a lasting relationship, or steady intercourse. I was always good at giving advice to friends but could never apply any to myself. A lack of confidence or ignorance on my part may be to blame, but nevertheless it was due to my shortcomings. Reflecting back now, I could have done things so many different ways. A little more experience and a bit of apathy could've seriously changed my game. The first girl I was able to lower my defenses to, well lets just say it wasn't functional. But I held on like a fool and it didn't really end all that well. For awhile after, every encounter with a girl was pretty much how anyone would predict. Heartbroken and angry, what is a guy to do. We put up a fascade to not appear weak, and rightfully so. Its that very wall that women like and want to strip down, that's their fun. Anyway, you eventually get over it. You move on and you meet the next girl that'll emp your shields.

But for me, they are few and far between. Its too easy to approach a random girl at a social event and its 'cause I don't give a crap, but if I fall for a friend or someone I care about, which typically is the case, I don't know what to do. I can't apply that same logic as in the random girl scenario, so my confidence generally goes out the window. There is also no middle ground for me, I either care about you or I don't. Its one of the few things about me that is so black and white. The times I told myself to not be a bitch and just go for it... well it didn't turn out favorably. An operant conditioning principle known as punishment would tell you why I've gotten to this state.

Now, I don't expect everyone to relate to what I'm going through. And its not something a one night stand could cure. I've tried that, and even though I wrote an entry advocating that its a worthwhile endeavor, there comes a point when it isn't all that fulfilling.

title quote, The All-American Rejects, Move Along (2005)

Is a shitty scenario people get themselves into. If you aren't familiar, its when two people have a dynamic in which one has romantic feelings and the other does not. It shouldn't be a surprise that this happens to a certain type of person. He is usually considered by many as a nice guy and is a person who hasn't been overly acknowledged for his physical appearance all his life. Its the guy who is caring, a good listener, thoughtful, and reliable. And not the guy who is a jerk, questionable, elusive, and arrogant. For a long time I wondered why this was the case and I suppose today I'll give my two cents on the matter and hopefully I can provide some insight on the guy's point of view.

It may be because generally growing up, girls don't know what they want in a guy or just say they do and really have no freaking idea. This leads to easily persuaded and fallible decisions, lots of heartbreaks and sad times. But the nice guy is always there for them. So why not just go with the him to begin with. He'd probably never break your heart. Its because its not that simple. First off, an attractive guy, from the get-go, girls wanna bang him. So those guys typically don't have a friend zone problem although they usually exhibit the negative characteristics listed above. Secondly, younger girls seek excitement and spontaneity. Not stability and safety. Those wants come way later in their lives.

I've heard girls tell me that they don't like "jerks" and its the confidence typically associated with "jerks" that they are attracted to... What a load of crap. Even if it was true, how stupid and simple do you have to be to use that excuse to justify being with a total ass. Is it some mystery that guys who end up crushing your hearts are completely different at the end than they were at the start? Its called acting, we all do it. In their case, to get laid or whatever cause they had. Stop being stuck in your nostalgia because he's tired of you and you are too young to settle.

Lets take a step back, because like many things, its a two way street. Guys who fall into this problem need to be different. What I mean is that, you can't offer everything you have to a girl and expect it in return. Life isn't a disney movie, and its foolish to think it as such. If you do convey all those wonderful attributes to a girl, she isn't gonna want to lose you. So why risk being in a relationship with you that may or may not last long and then have it end, only to realize it'll be too awkward to have you around. Instead, they'd rather label you as a friend because friends are forever right? No blame to women, I mean it makes total sense. If you aren't physically attracted to him then why bother being more than a friend with a guy? Its the same rational guys take but with a little spin of course. I mean that guys will release into any vagina that's willing. So long as there aren't any consequences. But that is a topic for a different discussion.

Nice guys don't have to finish last. If a girl doesn't have to worry about losing you, then she won't. Simple as that. I know if you meet a girl you like, its almost instinctual to want to care for them and save them from their sorrows. Believe me, I've been there. But don't do it. Unless you want to be friend zoned. Look, I'm not saying to become total asses, just don't offer your best wares to those who aren't paying. Don't always have nothing to do that you'll sit there and listen to her sulk about some guy who dumped her or won't notice her. Tell her you're busy, even if you aren't. But if her mother died, fucking listen. Its not too difficult so far is it? Also make sure you're taking care of yourself. This goes for any guy, but seriously, go to the gym, floss, get good haircuts, and have a sense of identity. Everybody can have confidence. You just need proper reinforcement. Good looking people exude this desireable trait because all their lives people have told them how pretty or handsome they are. Although, most of 'em let it get to their heads and that's where the arrogance and unreliablity sets in. They don't need to care about you because another guy or girl will happily take your place.

So what am I trying to get at? I'm not advocating that you change who you are to try and impress some girl, to get into her pants. But subjecting yourself to the friend zone with every girl you like is not a result of who you are but a product of bad decisions and inexperience. So keep your distance and don't be a pussy. Make your move before she starts to really confide in you. If you are already in that friend zone then tough luck. Either gamble and confess your feelings, or just move on. Because its hardly worth it to sit around and wait 'til either she matures or she settles. Think of yourself as the guy girls want to end up with, not have flings with. If you don't want that, then go do something about it.

This becomes evident in early childhood and even more so as we age. Its one of those differences between genders that is very penis vs vagina, and I'm sure even now plenty of examples are surging in your head. Every time you can recall a guy doing anything wrong it usually has something to do with destruction and is primitive. Our counterparts, not so much. They are more like brain ninjas, saboteurs of hearts, and overall masters of mental espionage. Men like when things blow up and even more so if they are the cause. They tend to reason with violence and mostly rudimentary forms of retaliation. Women are more the splinter cell approach of the genders and any attempts of retaliation is usually more thoughtout and patient. This concept generalizes to many other things in life. For instance, gift giving. Wondering what to get a guy? buy him the new call of duty. What to get a girl? something that has meaning beyond face value. Arguments... men tend to yell, be physical and say obvious shit. Women will be poise and say things that don't mean anything to us at first but will sink in and later explode in our heads, a fine example of mental espionage. Problem solving... Microwave isn't working, men will bang it and press mass buttons. Women will find the folder with all of their manuals and read. Movie selection... men, Transformers 3 without a doubt. Women, Larry Crowne... who? exactly. I think you get the idea.

I expect most people to be aware of this phenomenon. Perhaps its not so black and white in your life but nothing is. So just think for a second and see how this can apply to you. Knowledge is what you make of it... just knowing something is completely useless.

So I met a girl outside of a club, she was by herself and she seemed to be crying... I asked her if she was alright and we started to talk. This is what I came up to say after she told me about her man..

"We learn how to treat women from many different sources... fathers, movies, friends, books, magazines, cultures and most importantly, women... just to name a few. And with traditional chivarly practically out the window, how do we properly treat a lady? People think its some crazy, complicated method but it seriously isn't. We all learned as children to treat others like how we wanted to be treated. And as old school as that sounds, that's really the fundamental of treating women. I know its difficult for some, having personally met people with issues on the matter. But if you lie, deceive, and cheat on a girl... what do you expect to happen in return? Not to say that if you are honest, faithful, and respectful, that things will always be dandy. Its just better to have those things reciprocated. And in the end of the day, its what all guys want... someone to be there with you, to care about you, and respect you. Even the most avid womanizers want those things, even if they don't have the courage to admit it. So why then are we surrounded by messed up situations and have friends with fucked up relationships?

Its because we are young, we have no idea what we want, and a lot of us are still struggling to figure out who we are as individuals and what we mean to others... "

...I continued to tell the girl that she needed to be patient, and that she too is similiar to us guys. That we all need to take time to learn ourselves before committing to learn about someone else. That in time, she'll meet someone who will want to care for her as much as she wants to care for him.

she wanted to take me home that night... I told her that it wouldn't cure her sorrows. She said, "I don't care."


-edit: Maybe it wasn't clear, the thing in quotes is what I told the girl, as accurately as I could remember it.

Recently, it came to my attention that a lot of girls come to the gym I go to at 5pm. I'm usually out by 4:30, but I was running late that day. Lets get something straight, I don't go to the gym to check out girls, I go to work out. Even if they are around, I look once because its a natural reflex, but I don't stare and I definitely don't try to approach them, because well, I think any gym convo would be inherently awkward. Its actually funny seeing other guys try to make conversation, I mean I can't hate on the guy for trying but it just looks, for a lack of a better word, silly. The guy makes a statement about something obvious like what she's working out on and then segue into late night drinks, classy. Anyway, I can't help but notice the attire that people come to the gym in. I mean guys either wear Under Armour, something sporty like that or whatever they sleep in so it's pretty standard. But girls they wear the tightest thing possible that won't cut off blood circulation. From what I can tell, it might be more comfortable or advantageous in some athletic way. But I wonder if it serves another purpose. Sometimes I feel bad for some guys because they can't help but stare... even during sets they use the mirrors to check em out and its especially profound at 5pm. I mean I get it, we work out, all those happy chemicals are surging through our brain, you see an attractive girl who is wearing something that is super tight and you can't help but to picture her naked. My beef is just that I feel girls perpetuate this sort of phenomenon and then deny it either to themselves or to others. Just be real. I've seen plenty of good looking girls come into the gym wearing something like yoga pants, a tshirt and even a cap. Granted, it might not be optimal to workout in but if you seriously had a problem with guys looking at you then well I think its a completely viable option. I know, you're saying to yourself why not guys just stop being pervs instead, the word has seriously lost its meaning. Its defined as a person whose sexual behavior is regarded as abnormal and unacceptable. Does that really describe a guy who checks out a girl? Its not like they whistle at them, make rude remarks, or do something offensive. And if you think just looking or making an attempt to talk to you is any of those things then you need to see a professional about your mental health. We can argue about context and what not, but seriously, no single side is to blame.

What really confuses me is overweight girls who wear spandex and do all the workouts that won't optimally help them lose weight. Its a sore sight and exercising means absolutely nothing if you are just going to go have a bigmac later. I rave about stuff that just makes sense and that, dear readers, does not make sense. If you want to be healthy and fit then there are certainly better ways to do so. We have the internet at our disposal and turtorials on how to do everything. Learn a little and then maybe you won't be at the mercy of people who make fun.

Some women definitely try too hard to be beautiful. Let me explain... the excessive makeup, the needless accessorization of the body, strutting around in heels to accentuate body parts, and the list goes on. Now I'm not saying its wrong to pierce your body in 15 different places or scar your body with meaningless tattoos or to painstakingly walk around in uncomfortable footwear. I just think its pointless, all religious beliefs aside. Perhaps I'm just speaking out of utter confusion in the need to express oneself in those ways. What happened to the purity in women I used to idiolize as a kid? Photoshopped pictures, surgical modifications, extreme dieting... now these aren't new issues but what are we doing about it? We men fuel this type of behavior. Then we wonder why some women are bitches and its because they haven't eaten anything for 12hrs and they just got their nipples pierced. I can imagine we as a gender are to blame for some of the things that women put themselves through but its not just us. Women do it to themselves. Let me stop myself before I stray too off topic... I think the most beautiful women are those that are comfortable in their own skin. Those who are aware that they have flaws and that it makes em unique not odd. Those women who don't need to follow conventions only because other women are doing it. Women who keep their mirrors at home, and women who know that one can never be beautiful if only judging by the standards of others. Its superfluous to alter your body to be part of something or to impress another. And its definitely redundant to wear things that are designed to emphasize body parts. If you are being fake, in this case, in the way you attract attention then well can you seriously expect something honest in return?

What a rant... all because of a girl I saw at the bar the other day.