the human condition

Albert Einstein once said, "When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity." And although this entry isn't really about relativity, we all know how fast time can pass when we are with a person we like. Us guys will go through great lengths to impress a girl we sincerely have feelings for. Some acts may be disastrous, while some favorable. Others are laughable, and a few are romantic. But no matter the method, we all have one intent, to win the girl's favor.

But here's the caveat... "men are incapable of having a beautiful thought about a woman, that isn't followed directly by a disgusting thought about that very same woman."* Evolution and the "left hand just doesn't cut it" theory might provide some insight. It also doesn't help that our genitalia protrude out of our bodies and is as sensitive as a freshly open wound. Also, beyond just physical sensitivity, mentally, we are just as vulnerable. And its because we are wired to want to procreate, we just happened to have found a loophole in the system... ie. birth control, which definitely helps with the whole population crisis, amongst other things, and it also promotes having the best experience while limiting the worries of animating something you'll regret.

What I'm getting at is that we often get things mixed up. We meet a girl we like and instead of focusing on that, we shift our thoughts to sex. We may think something diametrically opposed at first but soon after we'll think about positioning. Its futile to fight it and I say its unnecessary to do so. Its the underlying motivating factor, other than perhaps love, guilt or pity, to pretty much do anything nice for a girl. Men can deny it all they want, but offer sex to a dude who is courting you and 9 out of 10 times they'll agree. Of course I am describing it a bit vulgar, the whole courting process I mean. There are plenty of romantic and delicate ways to approach this, but I prefer to be blunt. I'm not saying that the only thing men think about is sex, I'm saying that the only thing that motivates men is sex, in the context of courting.  

*quote: Louie, Season 2, (Episode 8, 6m50s)

Spontaneous recovery, reinstatement, and renewal are psychology principles commonly taught alongside concepts such as extinction and human memory. I could go into a lengthly lecture about all that stuff, but I will try to limit the psycho-babble and get to my point. Although, I do feel a brief discourse is necessary. Essentially, extinction is a type of learning which reduces a response to an associated cue due to the absence of a once appetitive or adverse stimuli. What this means to us is that we learn to not do things once something that we liked or disliked is no longer present. There are a few factors that can influence the profoundness of this type of learning, however, I'll only go into them if needed. The main thing about extinction is that even though we may stop being influenced by a cue or cease doing a behavior, it is not forgetting. We are just simply learning that the once stimulating cue, which could be anything, such as a light, a song, a necklace from a lover, or opening a condom package, is no longer as stimulating to us because the desireable or unfavorable incentive is gone. Consider this example, when you start dating someone, one calls the other and sets a time and place to meet, perhaps to have dinner or drinks. You go out with him/her and had a great time. In this example, the phone call is the cue, answering the phone and going out with the person is the response and the incentive is having a wonderul time.This is called associative learning, where you paired the phone call from the person you're dating with answering, going out and having a great time. However, over time, and after a few dates you realize your interest has peaked and are no longer having fun. You continue to meet but the enjoyment is gone from the experience. Eventually the phone calls from the person becomes dull and no longer excites you. Finally, you don't even pick up. This is extinction.

Spontaneous recovery is a curious phenomenon that occurs after a cue becomes extinguished. For simplicity, I'll continue to use the example from above. So you've stopped answering the phone from that individual. The cue has been extinguished, it no longer elicits a response. A few months go by without the person calling. But today, which is a wednesday by the way, he/she calls you. You quickly answer the phone this time and agree to go out again. Why? Weren't you bored of this person? This is called spontaenous recovery. Its when a previously extinguished cue elicits the response (answering the phone and going out with him/her) because there is a long delay between presentations of the cue, in this case the person's phone calls. There are scientific ways to limit this and it is also something we can cognitively dismiss in my opinion, but surely enough, many have or will fall victim to this effect.

Similalry, reinstatement, and renewal occurs postextinction and provide evidence that extinction is not forgetting.

Using the same example from above, reinstatement is when the incentive, having a good time, is revisited and sparks the cue to elicit the response. In other words, you are out having a jolly adventure and because the feeling is similiar to when you were seeing the person, the next time he/she calls you, you are prone to pick up the phone and agree to go out again. Renewal has to do with context. Lets say while you were dating this person, he/she took you to a particular bar or restuarant during the extinction phase of the relationship. A reminder, during the extinction phase, the incentive is not present. One day, you are with some friends in a novel restuarant and you see this person there. It is likely that a renewal of the response occurs. Meaning, you are more likely to answer the phone and go out with the person again even though the incentive was missing during previous encounters with the individual.

Now these aren't black or white occurrences, like I've mentioned, there are ways to limit these effects and I also believe that one can overcome them by altering one's way of thinking. However, these effects can be profound and will influence you despite what you are saying in your head right now.

These concepts all tie into human memory. Spontaneous recovery, reinstatement, and renewal help trigger the brain to recall memories of the person although it may vary how or in what conditions it does so. Although I only gave a few examples, these effects can generalize to many scenarios. So the next time you get that feeling to call him or answer the phone from her even after a bad breakup, or you find yourself reconciling old relationships, or the next time you see an ex at a random bar and you get that strange feeling, and even the next time you're out with your boys or gfs and are having an excellent time, but oddly think of past lovers... Now you kinda know why. Thank associative learning and the limitations of extinction.

I know that I am a picky person when it comes to mate selection and I don't mean the casuals. I'm directing this towards the more lasting kind. Frankly, I don't have a track record of what I would call relationships and I suppose I can come up with some theories as to why this is so. But before I do... Growing up, I had many encounters with girls that I actually liked, but I was never able to adequately handle them. What I mean is that, I didn't really say or do the right things that would lead to favorable results, such as coitus, a lasting relationship, or steady intercourse. I was always good at giving advice to friends but could never apply any to myself. A lack of confidence or ignorance on my part may be to blame, but nevertheless it was due to my shortcomings. Reflecting back now, I could have done things so many different ways. A little more experience and a bit of apathy could've seriously changed my game. The first girl I was able to lower my defenses to, well lets just say it wasn't functional. But I held on like a fool and it didn't really end all that well. For awhile after, every encounter with a girl was pretty much how anyone would predict. Heartbroken and angry, what is a guy to do. We put up a fascade to not appear weak, and rightfully so. Its that very wall that women like and want to strip down, that's their fun. Anyway, you eventually get over it. You move on and you meet the next girl that'll emp your shields.

But for me, they are few and far between. Its too easy to approach a random girl at a social event and its 'cause I don't give a crap, but if I fall for a friend or someone I care about, which typically is the case, I don't know what to do. I can't apply that same logic as in the random girl scenario, so my confidence generally goes out the window. There is also no middle ground for me, I either care about you or I don't. Its one of the few things about me that is so black and white. The times I told myself to not be a bitch and just go for it... well it didn't turn out favorably. An operant conditioning principle known as punishment would tell you why I've gotten to this state.

Now, I don't expect everyone to relate to what I'm going through. And its not something a one night stand could cure. I've tried that, and even though I wrote an entry advocating that its a worthwhile endeavor, there comes a point when it isn't all that fulfilling.

title quote, The All-American Rejects, Move Along (2005)

When's the last time you enjoyed a story about a person who's existence, defines the word righteous? The person who does nothing wrong, and is always true. Who cares about people like that? We all know that it isn't you. Our lives typically don't truly define positive words in the dictionary. We all do fucked up things that would not be sanctioned by any reputable religion. And I argue, it is those deviant acts that intrigue others to you and vice versa. We like stories about messed up folks. Whether its because its an escape from our own problems or purely for entertainment, it serves a unique purpose. The very knowledge of someone's life being more fucked up than yours can bring relief, joy, sympathy or even put things into perspective.

We place standards on what people should say, how they should act. Social norms that dictate, for the most part, how we function, how we interact with people. All that is boring, its all gauged in a standard unit of measure. Aren't the oddities usually the most amusing? The stuff we do that are deviations from the mean are the most exciting and intoxicating things life has to offer. Although, it doesn't have to be extreme to be appealing. Even our small guilty pleasures make living more tolerable.

Interest isn't always positive either. We just like to think that it is. The word has been associated too often with good things moreso than bad. It also doesn't help that we generally believe that we are good people and think only good things. But that isn't true. What is actual? We are sinful people and I think its pretty entertaining.

Love is the most complicated, painful, pleasant, and desirable concept ever to be shared between people. We all have our own definition of it and it hardly ever stays the same. There are different types, levels, and even lengths. Its like a video game with a fucked up controller. However, as we age, we figure out that the few things this life has to offer means very little without it. It may take you 15 minutes or 15 years to come to that conclusion, but no matter what, we will all have that realization. I am gonna talk specifically about romantic love, although the feelings shared between family members, friends, etc. is arguably just as important, if not more.

Romantic love comes and goes, some people thrive on it, others lack it. It can be exciting and fulfilling. But destructive and deceiving. Such a complex concept is so tricky to explain. As a kid, nobody ever told me what love was and I didn't utter those words to someone until more recently. Its something that I rarely felt and I found that whenever I did feel something, it wasn't love, but something lesser. It took many years to learn the distinction. Girls I thought I loved... it was merely infatuation. The high I felt being around them was just chemicals telling me that I was interested. Love is above that, its beyond being with someone for "x" amount of time. Its not about what you sacrificed or how you met. Its not that you share music interests or like the same foods. That is not love. Love is purely a mental state that can change, its a mix bag of emotions that you have for another... too often associated with objects and other trivial things. To love someone and to be in love with someone are two very different concepts. Something I'm sure is quite obvious to most people... in theory. However, in reality people get those two things so confused.

The things you do because of love... now that's a whole different story. People do crazy things and its not really up to anyone to judge what a person does in the name of love. And its because nobody can really tell you what it is. Its just something you got to figure out and hope that someone else agrees. Fortunately, we are a world of many people. We are compatible with many, meet a few, but only want to stay with one.

If you've been shaking your head to everything I've said, it doesn't really matter. Go find out for yourself, if you haven't already. Good luck.