the human condition

Click HERE to read the first part of this story if you haven't.

The pacific sun is starting to set and the sounds of the birds are finally subsiding. The cool Hawaiian breeze makes its way into my living room and nightfall becomes apparent... but the girl is still here.

My prior attempts to end this... situation, has failed and I decided to just accept her company. My thoughts moved from "get this bitch out" to "let's see how far this will go." Intrigue flooded my mind, absent now the thought of escape. I shut off the tv, having just finished a movie. The selection was a hard choice... I usually default to a comedy, but she wanted to watch the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. As if she needed inspiration on how to butcher me later.

We compromise... Zombieland.

We didn't talk much during the movie. But then again, I'm not used to spending this much time with a girl the day after. She pressed up against me as the movie started, and as if my mind did not control my body, I opened my arms and she leaned on me.

"Are you hungry yet?" She asks looking up at me and for the first time, at least to my recollection, I realize her magnetic brown eyes. Knowing that she probably heard my stomach grumble throughout the movie, I decide to just agree with her. "Perfect," she exclaims. I wish her enthusiasm would rub off on me. Meal selection was easier than picking a movie. We both love pho, so I knew exactly where to take her.

We never made it there.

As I go to my room to recover my wallet and her clothes, a new thought enters my head, "Am I starting to like this girl?"

I hear the sound of a cell phone ring and she quickly answers. She walks out to my lanai but I can still clearly hear her from my room...

"Hello?"
"No, I'm at a friend's house."
"Maybe later, I'm kinda busy right now."
"No baby, I can't tonight."
[Long Pause]
"Don't come here."
"I'll just call you later, bye."

"Fuck," I thought. "Dont come here?"
"How the hell would the person know where 'here' is?"

My friends would argue that I shouldn't give a damn if I'm the other guy, as long as I'm the one getting some. However, lots of complicated thoughts swirl in my brain as I slowly make my way back to her.

Find out how it all went down, click HERE
title quote, Anberlin

I woke up with a stranger's breath on my face. The smell of alcohol still rich. The taste of cigarettes lingering. Who is this girl? I think.

She wakes. She stirs loudly, grunting as she pulls herself up, making no effort to cover her naked body. She stumbles to my bathroom and to my surprise turns on my shower. She yells "I'm hungry," before she shuts the door. I lay confused, wondering if I knew this person, but I know I don't. Reluctant to leave a stranger at my home alone, I decide to make a simple breakfast. I don't make much effort to create a nice meal, but I think any effort is too much. As I place the plates on my counter, I hear my shower turn off. She opens the door and walks towards me, my towel wrapped around her. Not recognizing the person before me causes some concern, but her smile at the meager meal I've prepared lessens the anxiety. The dialogue we exchange is common. As she talks, I repeat exit strategies in my head overlapped with failed attempts to recall memories from the previous night.

Never mix soju and whisky, I don't even know what occasion would promote the mixture of such opposing beverages. However, the evidence of binging becomes irrefutable as I recover empty bottles scattered around my living space. She does nothing to help clean or recollect. My opinion of her is not improving.

To end the silence, I explain I have some errands to run. She doesn't get the hint. "I see you have a coffee maker for show, pick up some ground on the way back," she replies. "Is this girl serious?" I thought. "So what if I don't have coffee for its maker."

Driving away I make up errands in my head. I return some time later hoping nothing is missing, other than her. Entering my place, the smell of shin ramen infiltrates my nose. She greets me in my newly bought Jeremy Lin jersey, takes the coffee ground and makes use of the neglected machine. She instructs me to sit explaining my food is almost ready.

As if the unexpected meal wasn't enough, my place is tidy. My laundry running, bed made. "Who is this girl?" I ask myself again. I consider concealing a weapon for defense, movies like the American Psycho and Silence of the Lambs runs through my mind.

In an attempt to deter premature death, I ask her if she has any plans for today. But as the words left my lips I realized she might misunderstand my intention. Which, she did. "Nothing, what did you have in mind?" she enthusiastically responds.

"Fuck."

Click HERE for part 2
title quote, Anberlin

Trust is tragic. Moreso than hate, jealousy, and even unrequited love. It is the foundation for any relationship and without it... well you got nothing reliable. It is something we should cherish but its far too often overlooked. A term so loosely used and vaguely defined, people sometimes question the very existence of the word. I could only tell you what it means to me, much like many things in life. The phrase, "it depends" seems to cloud any concrete definition of the word. But nevertheless, an attempt will be made...

Much like love, you have to lose trust to fully understand it. Trust between lovers is not the same trust between friends. It's also not the same trust between family or between man and dog. It doesn't carry the same weight or warrant the same emotions.

It's this paperthin line that once crossed, has devestating results. You give it away or make someone earn it, but once violated it can rarely ever fully return. So how do we trust? We do so in complicated and sometimes foolish ways. We wouldn't trust a registered sex offender to babysit our child, but we trust our lovers to not cheat again. Its baffling at times who we trust and what we entrust to others, but we need it in all lasting relationships... regardless of who is involved, its depth or seriousness, and the type of association it is.

It boils down to reliability, no matter how you look at it... unreliable people are not trustworthy. Faith and belief in something or someone... a concept, an idea, a truth, a lover, a friend, etc. that is not consistent is brainless but we do it anyway. We trust friends or people to keep secrets... though it no longer is a secret once shared. We instill trust in our teachers to teach us what is required... yet our country lags behind in every academic field. We trust our government to protect us and serve us, though mostly greedy politicians and the 1% benefit. We give trust to our lovers, in marriage or in monogamy to be faithful, honest, and true... though we tend to get fucked over. We trust that if we are good people that good would be returned... though good is often unjustly distributed.

Trust is shared in order for things to build and grow, but we get shafted by those very people or things we believe in... We too often forget the value of trust, and that, I consider, is one of the most tragic human conditions.

title quote, George MacDonald

Being both legal and socially accepted, I consider alcohol to be the most dangerous drug. Unlike cocaine. heroin and meth, alcohol triggers so many different chemicals in the brain that even scientist refer to it as the "dirtiest drug." Therefore, it is considered one of the most difficult addictions to overcome. There was a time when I thought that alcohol was an easy way to make things more enjoyable. But now I feel that it is an easy way to make things in life more tolerable. I know that statement might come off as a red flag to alcoholism or depression, but let me assure you that I am not suffering from either. It's moreso a realization that when we are young, we drink to have fun, but as we age, we drink to cope. It's logic like, "why drink if not to get drunk," that scares me. For all those who are thinking, "no way, that's not me" or the like, I commend you on your ability to lie to yourself. Its either that or you are a way stronger person that I am and don't drink a sip of alcohol for anything.

But back to the normal people... we don' t need to drink alcohol but we choose to. We do so for a host of reasons and we give even more varied explanations as to why it's okay. But frankly, we all have similar desires and it's to lift the situation. I am saying that drinking champagne to celebrate a new year with friends isn't any different than drinking rounds of scotch because your wife wants a divorce. Many of you are probably saying, how is it the same? It's really the way you look at it. In both scenarios, we choose to drink alcohol, when there is absolutely no need to. You may argue that one is for fun and the other is destructive, but I say that in either cases, because alcohol is being consumed to better the setting, whether it is to numb your senses to let loose, or to cope with stress, it is both bad behavior.

However, just because its bad, doesn't mean I'm not going to partake. In moderation, it is worthwhile despite its adverse effects on the body and other possible damages. Some of the best and worst times of my life were under the influence and I wouldn't take a day back. I also feel that some of our truest intentions are revealed when inebriated. Though, I feel as we age, we tend to take less risks and rightfully so. I happen to know some who have lost their lives because of poor choices facilitated by alcohol. Yet I still don't feel like we should take it off shelves. Rather, we should educate and enforce better, the world we live in.

Spontaneous recovery, reinstatement, and renewal are psychology principles commonly taught alongside concepts such as extinction and human memory. I could go into a lengthly lecture about all that stuff, but I will try to limit the psycho-babble and get to my point. Although, I do feel a brief discourse is necessary. Essentially, extinction is a type of learning which reduces a response to an associated cue due to the absence of a once appetitive or adverse stimuli. What this means to us is that we learn to not do things once something that we liked or disliked is no longer present. There are a few factors that can influence the profoundness of this type of learning, however, I'll only go into them if needed. The main thing about extinction is that even though we may stop being influenced by a cue or cease doing a behavior, it is not forgetting. We are just simply learning that the once stimulating cue, which could be anything, such as a light, a song, a necklace from a lover, or opening a condom package, is no longer as stimulating to us because the desireable or unfavorable incentive is gone. Consider this example, when you start dating someone, one calls the other and sets a time and place to meet, perhaps to have dinner or drinks. You go out with him/her and had a great time. In this example, the phone call is the cue, answering the phone and going out with the person is the response and the incentive is having a wonderul time.This is called associative learning, where you paired the phone call from the person you're dating with answering, going out and having a great time. However, over time, and after a few dates you realize your interest has peaked and are no longer having fun. You continue to meet but the enjoyment is gone from the experience. Eventually the phone calls from the person becomes dull and no longer excites you. Finally, you don't even pick up. This is extinction.

Spontaneous recovery is a curious phenomenon that occurs after a cue becomes extinguished. For simplicity, I'll continue to use the example from above. So you've stopped answering the phone from that individual. The cue has been extinguished, it no longer elicits a response. A few months go by without the person calling. But today, which is a wednesday by the way, he/she calls you. You quickly answer the phone this time and agree to go out again. Why? Weren't you bored of this person? This is called spontaenous recovery. Its when a previously extinguished cue elicits the response (answering the phone and going out with him/her) because there is a long delay between presentations of the cue, in this case the person's phone calls. There are scientific ways to limit this and it is also something we can cognitively dismiss in my opinion, but surely enough, many have or will fall victim to this effect.

Similalry, reinstatement, and renewal occurs postextinction and provide evidence that extinction is not forgetting.

Using the same example from above, reinstatement is when the incentive, having a good time, is revisited and sparks the cue to elicit the response. In other words, you are out having a jolly adventure and because the feeling is similiar to when you were seeing the person, the next time he/she calls you, you are prone to pick up the phone and agree to go out again. Renewal has to do with context. Lets say while you were dating this person, he/she took you to a particular bar or restuarant during the extinction phase of the relationship. A reminder, during the extinction phase, the incentive is not present. One day, you are with some friends in a novel restuarant and you see this person there. It is likely that a renewal of the response occurs. Meaning, you are more likely to answer the phone and go out with the person again even though the incentive was missing during previous encounters with the individual.

Now these aren't black or white occurrences, like I've mentioned, there are ways to limit these effects and I also believe that one can overcome them by altering one's way of thinking. However, these effects can be profound and will influence you despite what you are saying in your head right now.

These concepts all tie into human memory. Spontaneous recovery, reinstatement, and renewal help trigger the brain to recall memories of the person although it may vary how or in what conditions it does so. Although I only gave a few examples, these effects can generalize to many scenarios. So the next time you get that feeling to call him or answer the phone from her even after a bad breakup, or you find yourself reconciling old relationships, or the next time you see an ex at a random bar and you get that strange feeling, and even the next time you're out with your boys or gfs and are having an excellent time, but oddly think of past lovers... Now you kinda know why. Thank associative learning and the limitations of extinction.