the human condition

Trust is tragic. Moreso than hate, jealousy, and even unrequited love. It is the foundation for any relationship and without it... well you got nothing reliable. It is something we should cherish but its far too often overlooked. A term so loosely used and vaguely defined, people sometimes question the very existence of the word. I could only tell you what it means to me, much like many things in life. The phrase, "it depends" seems to cloud any concrete definition of the word. But nevertheless, an attempt will be made...

Much like love, you have to lose trust to fully understand it. Trust between lovers is not the same trust between friends. It's also not the same trust between family or between man and dog. It doesn't carry the same weight or warrant the same emotions.

It's this paperthin line that once crossed, has devestating results. You give it away or make someone earn it, but once violated it can rarely ever fully return. So how do we trust? We do so in complicated and sometimes foolish ways. We wouldn't trust a registered sex offender to babysit our child, but we trust our lovers to not cheat again. Its baffling at times who we trust and what we entrust to others, but we need it in all lasting relationships... regardless of who is involved, its depth or seriousness, and the type of association it is.

It boils down to reliability, no matter how you look at it... unreliable people are not trustworthy. Faith and belief in something or someone... a concept, an idea, a truth, a lover, a friend, etc. that is not consistent is brainless but we do it anyway. We trust friends or people to keep secrets... though it no longer is a secret once shared. We instill trust in our teachers to teach us what is required... yet our country lags behind in every academic field. We trust our government to protect us and serve us, though mostly greedy politicians and the 1% benefit. We give trust to our lovers, in marriage or in monogamy to be faithful, honest, and true... though we tend to get fucked over. We trust that if we are good people that good would be returned... though good is often unjustly distributed.

Trust is shared in order for things to build and grow, but we get shafted by those very people or things we believe in... We too often forget the value of trust, and that, I consider, is one of the most tragic human conditions.

title quote, George MacDonald

Being both legal and socially accepted, I consider alcohol to be the most dangerous drug. Unlike cocaine. heroin and meth, alcohol triggers so many different chemicals in the brain that even scientist refer to it as the "dirtiest drug." Therefore, it is considered one of the most difficult addictions to overcome. There was a time when I thought that alcohol was an easy way to make things more enjoyable. But now I feel that it is an easy way to make things in life more tolerable. I know that statement might come off as a red flag to alcoholism or depression, but let me assure you that I am not suffering from either. It's moreso a realization that when we are young, we drink to have fun, but as we age, we drink to cope. It's logic like, "why drink if not to get drunk," that scares me. For all those who are thinking, "no way, that's not me" or the like, I commend you on your ability to lie to yourself. Its either that or you are a way stronger person that I am and don't drink a sip of alcohol for anything.

But back to the normal people... we don' t need to drink alcohol but we choose to. We do so for a host of reasons and we give even more varied explanations as to why it's okay. But frankly, we all have similar desires and it's to lift the situation. I am saying that drinking champagne to celebrate a new year with friends isn't any different than drinking rounds of scotch because your wife wants a divorce. Many of you are probably saying, how is it the same? It's really the way you look at it. In both scenarios, we choose to drink alcohol, when there is absolutely no need to. You may argue that one is for fun and the other is destructive, but I say that in either cases, because alcohol is being consumed to better the setting, whether it is to numb your senses to let loose, or to cope with stress, it is both bad behavior.

However, just because its bad, doesn't mean I'm not going to partake. In moderation, it is worthwhile despite its adverse effects on the body and other possible damages. Some of the best and worst times of my life were under the influence and I wouldn't take a day back. I also feel that some of our truest intentions are revealed when inebriated. Though, I feel as we age, we tend to take less risks and rightfully so. I happen to know some who have lost their lives because of poor choices facilitated by alcohol. Yet I still don't feel like we should take it off shelves. Rather, we should educate and enforce better, the world we live in.

Men are either praised or ridiculed for displaying, what women claim, is our feminine side. Our feminine side is suppose to be sensitive, sympathetic, caring, unselfish, gentle, and a whole host of characteristics and attributes that are traditionally ascribed to women. Conveying this side in moderation is generally appreciated by the opposite sex. To guys, its mostly just called "being a bitch."

One must be wary when portraying these attributes as it isn't always welcomed, to a guy or a girl. It takes the right amount of "getting to know" and also a good amount of context analysis before shedding tears, sharing insecurities, and/or "being a bitch." Most people tend to be pretty reserve when first meeting someone. They don't burden others with things like family illnesses, debts, or heartbreak. That all takes time. Similarly, most men won't show their feminine side, if ever mind you, until a proper break-in period. Though the concept of being feminine is not appealing to men or amongst men, it is worthwhile to express the above characteristics. You just can't let it define you. Instead, let it be a part of who you are. There's a difference.

Women mate with masculine guys. Not dudes with threaded eyebrows, and squeaky voices. They like men with confidence, boldness, and strength. Not uneasiness, cowardice, and mental lethargy. Like men having a feminine side, women should have a masculine side. And I don't mean armpit hair and curly pubes. I'm talking about the personality traits that are considered to be manly. Much like how women expect us to be understanding and thoughtful, we expect women to be decisive and confident.

Similar to the need to know both sides of a story before passing a judgement, men should take advantage of both sides to the spectrum. However, calling it our feminine side is a bit ridiculous. People like to label things, I get it. But it is neither necessary to associate characteristics like being understanding and caring to women nor unite traits such as confidence and decisiveness to men. It is beneficial for both sexes to portray all of the discussed attributes, so lets stop making that distinction.

You may have heard of the phrase, "the death of chivalry." Many argue that chivalry, in its most common definition, is at an end because of the rise of feminism and the increase in equality between men and women. Those people are referring to an antiquated definition of the word. It once was a code of conduct for knights which had verses about how a knight should treat a lady. During those times, the disparity between men and women was vast. We all had our roles, it was all pretty set in stone. Blacksmiths' sons will be blacksmiths and daughters will marry other sons to cook, clean, and mother children. Pretty straightforward. Obviously in our culture today, that is not always the case. Thus the concept of chivalry, cannot be so simple, so straightforward like it used to be.

So what is chivalry then... we definitely need a modern definition. We can't go completely old school like, "stand everytime a proper lady walks into a room." But we also can't neglect the core purpose of a code of conduct. Or even if we need one. Chivalry or not, today, we learn how to treat women from many different sources... fathers, movies, friends, books, magazines, cultures and most importantly, women... just to name a few. So is it right to have just a single approach, a uniform guide? Not to mention that all women aren't the same and have way varied expectations. It isn't so easy to place rules on how to behave. Some women like men to be a bit aggressive and skip formalities. But others absolutely adore the courting process. Unlike the medieval day, we gotta acknowledge these desires and preferences. Therefore making it impossible to accommodate all.

The major issue now is that chivalry is too often thought of as some sort of ultimate guide book on how to treat women when its not. Its mainly about one thing, respecting women. Being a gentlemen today, is like being a knight during the medieval times when it comes to negotiating women. To be considerate, caring, honest, and thoughtful are just a few things that makes one a gentleman. Our upbringing, amongst other things, greatly modifies our scope, ability and willingness to convey these attributes. But we are all capable of being gentlemen just some more naturally than others.

Even though times have changed, many women claim that it is still appropriate to practice a code of conduct. While many men argue that such practice is backwards and that true equality has impartial treatment, women nevertheless welcome chivalrous acts. In my opinion, I think its perfectly appropriate when you are courting a girl. Go ahead, open the door for her and help her carry her stuff. Don't just text her and say "I'm outside." Walk up to greet her. While your at it, open the car door for her. Let her pick the movie once in awhile, and always compliment her when she dolls up for you. Just to name a few things... Lastly, I want to say that women have such a huge influence on the path modern chvarly takes. You can't expect men to just do things, we are not mind readers. We don't always pick up on the subtle cues that make sense in your head, because it probably doesn't in ours. Your man or men in general will not change if you all just sit there and bitch amongst yourselves. Don't tolerate bullshit and set your bar a little higher. Then maybe chivalry, or the presence of gentlemen won't be on such a rapid decline.

When's the last time you enjoyed a story about a person who's existence, defines the word righteous? The person who does nothing wrong, and is always true. Who cares about people like that? We all know that it isn't you. Our lives typically don't truly define positive words in the dictionary. We all do fucked up things that would not be sanctioned by any reputable religion. And I argue, it is those deviant acts that intrigue others to you and vice versa. We like stories about messed up folks. Whether its because its an escape from our own problems or purely for entertainment, it serves a unique purpose. The very knowledge of someone's life being more fucked up than yours can bring relief, joy, sympathy or even put things into perspective.

We place standards on what people should say, how they should act. Social norms that dictate, for the most part, how we function, how we interact with people. All that is boring, its all gauged in a standard unit of measure. Aren't the oddities usually the most amusing? The stuff we do that are deviations from the mean are the most exciting and intoxicating things life has to offer. Although, it doesn't have to be extreme to be appealing. Even our small guilty pleasures make living more tolerable.

Interest isn't always positive either. We just like to think that it is. The word has been associated too often with good things moreso than bad. It also doesn't help that we generally believe that we are good people and think only good things. But that isn't true. What is actual? We are sinful people and I think its pretty entertaining.

Love is the most complicated, painful, pleasant, and desirable concept ever to be shared between people. We all have our own definition of it and it hardly ever stays the same. There are different types, levels, and even lengths. Its like a video game with a fucked up controller. However, as we age, we figure out that the few things this life has to offer means very little without it. It may take you 15 minutes or 15 years to come to that conclusion, but no matter what, we will all have that realization. I am gonna talk specifically about romantic love, although the feelings shared between family members, friends, etc. is arguably just as important, if not more.

Romantic love comes and goes, some people thrive on it, others lack it. It can be exciting and fulfilling. But destructive and deceiving. Such a complex concept is so tricky to explain. As a kid, nobody ever told me what love was and I didn't utter those words to someone until more recently. Its something that I rarely felt and I found that whenever I did feel something, it wasn't love, but something lesser. It took many years to learn the distinction. Girls I thought I loved... it was merely infatuation. The high I felt being around them was just chemicals telling me that I was interested. Love is above that, its beyond being with someone for "x" amount of time. Its not about what you sacrificed or how you met. Its not that you share music interests or like the same foods. That is not love. Love is purely a mental state that can change, its a mix bag of emotions that you have for another... too often associated with objects and other trivial things. To love someone and to be in love with someone are two very different concepts. Something I'm sure is quite obvious to most people... in theory. However, in reality people get those two things so confused.

The things you do because of love... now that's a whole different story. People do crazy things and its not really up to anyone to judge what a person does in the name of love. And its because nobody can really tell you what it is. Its just something you got to figure out and hope that someone else agrees. Fortunately, we are a world of many people. We are compatible with many, meet a few, but only want to stay with one.

If you've been shaking your head to everything I've said, it doesn't really matter. Go find out for yourself, if you haven't already. Good luck.

I've heard this statement before and I'm just now considering the validity of it. Sayings, like the one mentioned above, usually have some truth to it. Much like stereotypes, they wouldn't exist or be popular if they were completely false. So let me elaborate what it means to me and what it may imply. Guys who befriend females either do so because they fall prey to the friend zone or because they legitimately want to get to know her better. Either way, the favorable end result is coitus. I suppose they are some exceptions to that but those who would fall under such exceptions are scarce, thus I will not mention them at the moment. Now those who get friend zoned can go on being just friends. However, most guys will opt to just go for it, and if denied, move on... without the friendship. I know that annoys a lot of girls but if I can offer any advice... get used to it, but give some a chance... once in awhile you'll meet a guy who doesn't think entirely with his dick. Going back to the saying in question... I had mention that people do choose to stay friends with a girl even if denied coitus. But I can almost guarentee that, no matter what a guy says, he will jump at the opportunity if given the chance. And its because the attraction will always be there, whether its purely physical, or a combination of things. There are of course factors that can alter how you feel about her over time, but for the most part if there aren't any radical changes, a guy will at least give it a shot.

So do women have to worry about guys with ulterior motives? Hell yeah. Is it impossible to have a guy friend that doesn't want to bang you? hmm... depends on how attractive you are, and I mean just physically. I think the only way it'd work, is to keep your distance when it comes to friendships with the opposite sex. Most of the times, the two people want separate things. This of course, leads to unfavorable situations.

Why then, do we knowingly participate in this mingling between sexes, even though there is a high risk of it being a complete failure? Well, simply... nothing ventured, nothing gained.

A surprisingly unpopular term that is not coined by me, but one of my great influences (I just can't remember which one). And I don't mean a light two-wheeled open motor vehicle on which the driver sits with legs together and feet resting on a floorboard. I mean it in the way it describes people. This is a term more suited to be used by men, not because we're pigs, but because its just funnier to us, and it describes a girl that you'd have sex with, but are ashamed to tell other people about it. Just like a scooter, its fun to ride, but you don't go showing it off to your friends. So now you know, use it well... and don't get caught being called a scooter.

Is a shitty scenario people get themselves into. If you aren't familiar, its when two people have a dynamic in which one has romantic feelings and the other does not. It shouldn't be a surprise that this happens to a certain type of person. He is usually considered by many as a nice guy and is a person who hasn't been overly acknowledged for his physical appearance all his life. Its the guy who is caring, a good listener, thoughtful, and reliable. And not the guy who is a jerk, questionable, elusive, and arrogant. For a long time I wondered why this was the case and I suppose today I'll give my two cents on the matter and hopefully I can provide some insight on the guy's point of view.

It may be because generally growing up, girls don't know what they want in a guy or just say they do and really have no freaking idea. This leads to easily persuaded and fallible decisions, lots of heartbreaks and sad times. But the nice guy is always there for them. So why not just go with the him to begin with. He'd probably never break your heart. Its because its not that simple. First off, an attractive guy, from the get-go, girls wanna bang him. So those guys typically don't have a friend zone problem although they usually exhibit the negative characteristics listed above. Secondly, younger girls seek excitement and spontaneity. Not stability and safety. Those wants come way later in their lives.

I've heard girls tell me that they don't like "jerks" and its the confidence typically associated with "jerks" that they are attracted to... What a load of crap. Even if it was true, how stupid and simple do you have to be to use that excuse to justify being with a total ass. Is it some mystery that guys who end up crushing your hearts are completely different at the end than they were at the start? Its called acting, we all do it. In their case, to get laid or whatever cause they had. Stop being stuck in your nostalgia because he's tired of you and you are too young to settle.

Lets take a step back, because like many things, its a two way street. Guys who fall into this problem need to be different. What I mean is that, you can't offer everything you have to a girl and expect it in return. Life isn't a disney movie, and its foolish to think it as such. If you do convey all those wonderful attributes to a girl, she isn't gonna want to lose you. So why risk being in a relationship with you that may or may not last long and then have it end, only to realize it'll be too awkward to have you around. Instead, they'd rather label you as a friend because friends are forever right? No blame to women, I mean it makes total sense. If you aren't physically attracted to him then why bother being more than a friend with a guy? Its the same rational guys take but with a little spin of course. I mean that guys will release into any vagina that's willing. So long as there aren't any consequences. But that is a topic for a different discussion.

Nice guys don't have to finish last. If a girl doesn't have to worry about losing you, then she won't. Simple as that. I know if you meet a girl you like, its almost instinctual to want to care for them and save them from their sorrows. Believe me, I've been there. But don't do it. Unless you want to be friend zoned. Look, I'm not saying to become total asses, just don't offer your best wares to those who aren't paying. Don't always have nothing to do that you'll sit there and listen to her sulk about some guy who dumped her or won't notice her. Tell her you're busy, even if you aren't. But if her mother died, fucking listen. Its not too difficult so far is it? Also make sure you're taking care of yourself. This goes for any guy, but seriously, go to the gym, floss, get good haircuts, and have a sense of identity. Everybody can have confidence. You just need proper reinforcement. Good looking people exude this desireable trait because all their lives people have told them how pretty or handsome they are. Although, most of 'em let it get to their heads and that's where the arrogance and unreliablity sets in. They don't need to care about you because another guy or girl will happily take your place.

So what am I trying to get at? I'm not advocating that you change who you are to try and impress some girl, to get into her pants. But subjecting yourself to the friend zone with every girl you like is not a result of who you are but a product of bad decisions and inexperience. So keep your distance and don't be a pussy. Make your move before she starts to really confide in you. If you are already in that friend zone then tough luck. Either gamble and confess your feelings, or just move on. Because its hardly worth it to sit around and wait 'til either she matures or she settles. Think of yourself as the guy girls want to end up with, not have flings with. If you don't want that, then go do something about it.

This becomes evident in early childhood and even more so as we age. Its one of those differences between genders that is very penis vs vagina, and I'm sure even now plenty of examples are surging in your head. Every time you can recall a guy doing anything wrong it usually has something to do with destruction and is primitive. Our counterparts, not so much. They are more like brain ninjas, saboteurs of hearts, and overall masters of mental espionage. Men like when things blow up and even more so if they are the cause. They tend to reason with violence and mostly rudimentary forms of retaliation. Women are more the splinter cell approach of the genders and any attempts of retaliation is usually more thoughtout and patient. This concept generalizes to many other things in life. For instance, gift giving. Wondering what to get a guy? buy him the new call of duty. What to get a girl? something that has meaning beyond face value. Arguments... men tend to yell, be physical and say obvious shit. Women will be poise and say things that don't mean anything to us at first but will sink in and later explode in our heads, a fine example of mental espionage. Problem solving... Microwave isn't working, men will bang it and press mass buttons. Women will find the folder with all of their manuals and read. Movie selection... men, Transformers 3 without a doubt. Women, Larry Crowne... who? exactly. I think you get the idea.

I expect most people to be aware of this phenomenon. Perhaps its not so black and white in your life but nothing is. So just think for a second and see how this can apply to you. Knowledge is what you make of it... just knowing something is completely useless.

I am of course talking about the one night stand. Those of you who think its disatisfying, disgusting, distasteful, and other "dis" words I can't think of right now, well let me assure you that my goal isn't to convert you. All I'm saying is that it is a practical alternative to other more time consuming commitments such as relationships and/or dating. We all know that masturbation can only go so far. I mean yeah its a nice release for guys and girls can do it for whatever reason they do it for. But it just doesn't trump the actual act. So we go out to clubs, bars, and other social gatherings alike, to meet someone that we can connect with at some, but mostly superficial, level. To take them home, try new things, and you know the rest. However, it doesn't come without a price. No, I don't mean STDs, although that is a valid concern to have, but taking measures to prevent transmission, ie. condoms, visual inspection, etc. should go without saying. It honestly is a mutual responsibility. Anyway, when I say price, I mean when the people involved aren't necessarily on the same page. For example, when one person wants more or thinks that sex is a precursor to a commited relationship... pretty much anything that is not within the concept of a one night stand. Scary, but some people are that naive. Its seldom a good sign when the other wants to "get dinner sometime" or pick out new curtains for your place after the fact. But hey, if that's your thing, I say, best of luck on your endeavors. Just don't be surprised when the guy or girl never calls you back or take you up on your offer.

There is some science that suggest that those who have multiple sexual partners before marriage have a tendency to be less happy than those who had fewer. While this may be the case for some people (those who participated in the study), I think that having safe sex multiple times with different people throughout your life can be beneficial. A learning experience, I'd call it. Besides, people have one night stands for the same reasons people date, commit to relationships, and fall in and out of love. Because its, in a word, nice. Why should we ever consider forfeiting copulation with no strings attached, if we are allowed to so freely love and hate? Two things that are often far more fucked up and destructive than casual sex. Bottom line, its an option, its a choice we make and I'm sick of people thinking one nighters is such a negative thing, especially when the very people who criticize the idea, would commit the act if given the opportunity. I'm a firm believer that for many things, like this topic, there aren't right or wrong choices. Only choices that you gotta live with. So if you want to raw dog the next girl you sleep with or save yourself for "the one" then so be it.

title quote, Hank Moody, Californication (Ep. 2, Season 1)